Because of Esther Von Weenerchopper

This lady, a poet whose wonderful whacky blog I enjoy has a contest going on to win a new blue Flying Spaghetti Monster tee.  Entrants have to write why the shirt should be theirs and no one else’s.

This is what I just submitted… 

Surely the shirt should be mine because in February 1943 my great-grandmother Esther Von Weenerchopper, sole founder of the Hot-On Cotton Company est. 1926 — at risk of being shot on sight (or worse,) trudged eighteen miles at night during the worst blizzard in sixty-two years to smuggle into a Warsaw brothel the only known copy of “Cotton-Dyeing Today” beneath her still-ample-but-somewhat-shrinking breasts, under her threadbare cloak,  past numerous stations of SS guards — not three hours before she finally succumbed alone in her unheated room on an unupholstered old Lutheran church pew that served as her bed,  to the ravages of pleurisy — not be found until six days later by her only son who had finally escaped a Russian Gulag after nine years of unlawful incarceration, blind in both eyes, deaf in his right ear and without benefit of his left big toe, (direct results of the inmate riot and ensuing carnage which so enabled his escape two months earlier,) after which the Nuns-of-Perpetual-Glad-Tidings found him in a ditch and helped him get back to Warsaw.

Only from that single copy in existence of “Cotton Dyeing Today” are we, in these modern times able to dye such a fetching time-honored shade of blue on Flying Spaghetti Monster tees.

Now, shouldn’t that tee be mine?!